Breaking: Skyrim on Switch to be Cancelled if Doom Underperforms

When Doom was announced to be coming to the Switch in the latest Nintendo Direct, the fans of the platform were in shock. It is quite unusual for third party publishers to release games for Nintendo consoles without any strings attached. After a public outcry by disappointed fans wanting to be treated like they’re used to, Bethesda decided to adjust their release strategy.

trump tweet

Some of the most active users on Twitter have already stated their outrage regarding this situation.

In a short press conference, Bethesda’s own glorious leader Todd Howard spoke out on this issue himself. Todd stated that the reason Doom was even ported to the Nintendo Switch is to test the waters if Skyrim could be a success on the platform. He further elaborated with the following.

“As we have practically never released games on Nintendo platforms, we are entering a new territory here. To make sure our entrance was as successful as possible, we decided to consult with both Capcom and EA, both of whom have experience developing for Nintendo systems, and asked them for their advice. The two companies have then stated that it is best to first ‘test the waters’ of the platform with a less desireable game before commiting to the platform with a bigger one. This made it clear to us that we had to quickly port something smaller and less significant than Skyrim to the Switch. As we only make high-quality games where any present bugs are of course intentional, we had to go for Doom. Some members of our team suggested that we could port Fallout Shelter, but as that game is a free-to-play title we deemed it unsuitable for this task.”

This was too little of an explanation to the video game “journalists” present in the room, who further asked if there were more reasons for the sudden change in direction of the company. Todd replied as follows.

“Actually, yes there was. An article on Red Value Gaming ranked up all the big third party publishers on the Switch on how they treated their fans and unfortunately we were mentioned very last, with EA and Capcom being right at the top. This of course prompted us to consult with them and here we are.”

todd howard

The legend Todd Howard himself.

After the journalists went and checked out the article themselves, they believed to found a mismatch; Bethesda was actually ranked at the top of the list. The reporters promptly attempted to correct Todd Howard, who quickly shot it down their response.

“Hey, you can’t take Red Value Gaming all too seriously. After all, the writer of the article doesn’t even list Skyrim as his favourite game of all time on his Opencritic page.”

While the “reporters” are clearly scrambling hard to write down all this information, some of them wondered on how difficult it could be to manage the distribution process if Skyrim were to be cancelled less than a week before its release. Todd Howard had a quick response ready.

“Yes, you are absolutely right. Cancelling a game by the sales metrics of a game which will release just a week prior is a huge undertaking, but we have taken the necessary steps to make sure we are able to achieve this task. First, we need to measure the immediate sales metrics. With such a small timespan, all we really have to go on are the charts on the E-shop. If any one single indie game is higher than Doom I’ll tell you, Skyrim is cancelled right away!

Next up is the handling of the already made physical copies of Skyrim on the Switch. We have set up a procedure that all shipment containers carrying the game will immediately be thrown overboard. With the current scarcity of consoles, we doubt that Nintendo has supplied enough Switch devices to the fish in the oceans; it is therefore unlikely that a marine life form will have both a Nintendo Switch and a copy of Skyrim.

shipment container falliing with logo

Maybe some sharks will get to play Skyrim on the Nintendo Switch.

Further, any current copy of the game already at distributors or in stores will immediately be recalled. We’ve put a special adhesive on the cartridge that tastes really yucky if you put it in your mouth but is otherwise harmless. This gives us enough reason for a recall of the product. As you can see, we’ve got a plan for any and all situations.”

Astonished by the statements, the game “journalists” wondered about where Bethesda would put this large, now unsellable pile of games, but Todd already had an answer ready.

“Gaming has a long history of dumping undesired games in landfills, which is precisely what we will do. We definitely won’t tell you where we’ll bury the games though!

As a final statement I would like to add this. The market is very competitive right now and it is crucial for us to enter it on the new console as spectacularly as possible. We want to make sure to avoid scaring off any Nintendo fan with marketing tactics they aren’t used to, which is why we decided for this in the first place. We know the measure will be expensive, but overall we believe that this will definitely be worth it.”

dig hole

The hole to dump the copies of the Switch version of Skyrim in is already being dug.

What about you? What do you think of the potential cancellation of Skyrim? Here at Red Value Gaming, we definitely believe that you should get Doom now if you want Skyrim to be released on the Switch. It is very important to buy the games of companies that demand you to buy them if you want to see more games made by them on your favourite platform rather than reward the companies that release their games without any strings attached. Overall, if you have your own thoughts whether satirical or not, let us know of them in the comments below. If you enjoyed this article, you might enjoy our guide on how to make Breath of the Wild boring as well!

— Written by Kaisernik

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Ziluth Recent comment authors

I mean its a good thing I am buying DOOM, but since I have no interest in skyrim, I guess we will see nothing after that. Too bad a first person role playing adventure game can determine the sales of a first person story based shooter like wolfenstein